Thoughts put into words…

by Katie Lanning (Dreamynothing)

Would You Ever Kill to Save a Life? 08/13/2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — dreamynothing @ 15:46

If the world’s future was in your hands would you be able to hold a grip onto that pressure?  If your love was in harms way would you be able to give your life to save them?  What if you had to kill your love, to let humanity thrive?  Would you buckle under pressure or rise to the task? 

 

I’d like to say I’d give my life to save another, but I don’t know if I would be able to take the bullet.  Not sure how much thought I would have to put into it either.  But to kill a loved one to save many, I really don’t think I could ever make that sacrifice.  Call me selfish, because that’s what I am.  I’m selfish. Plus, I’m not sure I could live with that blood upon my hands.  But, could I live with everyone else’s blood soaking thru? 

 

I think anyone would say they would do what’s right.  But in this predicament, I don’t believe there is a right answer.  

 

So the question is: Would you ever KILL to SAVE a life?

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I am Haunted 08/11/2012

Filed under: Writings — dreamynothing @ 21:36

I haven’t written in so long.  I’m not sure I remember how to put my thoughts into words anymore.  So many things have changed, so many things are different- yet I am the same.

 

I cannot change my past, nor do I not want to.  Yet I yearn to cut these ropes that hold me down- the chains that pinch the skin upon my body; not allowing me to be free. I am tied down, so tight I cannot move, so tight I cannot breathe.  Afraid to cry for help to come from a stranger. Afraid of struggling to freedom by myself.  Afraid to ask, who has tied me down so tightly. Afraid to ask, what exactly is holding me here.  Afraid to ask, why.

 

I am haunted by my past of my thoughts and actions.

I am haunted by my memories of all the fear and pain.

I am haunted by the echos of my cries and pleas for help.

 

Though I am tortured by thoughts of my life back then I still move forward.  I keep living life each and every day, slowly getting better, slowly getting stronger.  Yet, always afraid, always terrified. But what exactly am I terrified of?  Why am I so haunted?

I’m afraid of myself.  I am alive with my own ghost.  A spirit which follows me around in this world, trying so desperately to pull me in.  Whispering to me, amplifying my fears.  My ghost is always with me.  My ghost is always there.  Because my ghost is me.  I hold myself down, I am the one who has tied the knots and locked the locks.   I am my own worst enemy.

 

I am haunted by my memories.

I am haunted by past.

But most of all, I am haunted by myself.

 

Two Worlds 04/27/2011

Filed under: Writings — dreamynothing @ 04:58

I lie down, upon our bed—my cold body being warmed by your presence. So close I can feel the heat from your whispers, your words, they rest upon my bare skin then drift away and vanish in the night. How can you be so far away and yet be lying next to me? Not having a clue that I am crying behind your back? I’m longing for you. Not your kiss; not your touch—just you. The man I feel in love with.

Now I’m alone in the dark, quiet in the air around me. You’re upstairs, wondering why I left, or maybe not even noticing I’m gone. I’m down here with just the light from the computer screen to comfort me and a blanket over my cold self. In my hand I hold the ring. I read our names, run my fingers across the engravings. How can you not know me and yet know my every secret? Not have a clue that I am hurting so bad? I’m longing for someone. Not their guidance; not their acceptance—just someone. Someone I thought was you; the man I am in love with.

Maybe I’m just foolish. Thinking you love me enough to take care of someone as sick as I am. I can’t control my thoughts, I am afraid of my feelings. My own body is making me live through hell everyday. And I wish it were all over. I wish I were dead. It’s exhausting crying silently and yelling without worlds; and still have a smile on my face every time you come home.

And I know it’s not something you want to hear—it’s not something I can share with you. It’s a whole other world that I live in; where you can’t find your way into understanding. I’m lost in it now, and can’t find my way out. All the rooms keep on changing as my emotions and thoughts keep shifting in my mind. My side silently screams out in agony, and I’m taken over by the pain and confusion.

I know I have your kiss, your touch, guidance and acceptance. I know I have your love. But is that enough?

Can we be in love and live in two different worlds? I would never dare to bring you the cold misery of coming into mine; and I forever long to be welcomed back into the promising warmth of yours. But until then I will just have to cry behind your back—longing for you when you are lying next to me. And vanish downstairs into the darkness—longing for someone when you are mine.

 

My Treasure 01/14/2011

Filed under: Writings — dreamynothing @ 19:13

You are like no one I’ve ever met before.

So calm and collected all the time logical and reasonable. You always seem like you have your life together. You’re the very definition of perfect. You were able to put in the work, you are able to continue the battle, and again and again gaining the treasures along the growth of life.

So how did you end up with me?
I’m the opposite.

I am loud and fast-minded at times and irrationally quick with my tongue. My life is full of wrong turns and dead ends. I am the opposite of perfect. I haven’t been able to put in the work due to my all the wrong turns, I fail to see any reason to continue the battle because I’ve ran into another dead end, and the only treasure I’ve gained in my life…is you.

You alone make me glow and shine. Without you I’m just me. And being “me”…well is nothing that I’m proud of; it’s just dirt and dust made up of what once was. Being “us”…it’s all I’m holding on to anymore it gives my life the meaning it needs. I cannot loose the overwhelming feeling of who “we” are…I loose that and I go back to just being “me”. Alone, afraid…once again making a wrong turn; or possibly the final dead end.

I can’t loose you. And I am afraid one of these days you are going to wake up and find out that I am not a glowing gem but in fact, I am nothing but a fossil; dead with a past but with no future. I pray, selfishly, that you will never discover this. Because I don’t want to lose you to an emerald, diamond or ruby out there….but then again how can a speckle of dust compare to the treasure that’s out in this big world?

Selfishly, I want to keep you. My very own treasure; my very own jewel — because I have the best treasure of all. I have a body of a man keeping me safe and grounded from my thoughts, and from my fears. I have the rationality of all the logic in your mind giving me advice. I have the love that you willingly give to me everyday. I have you; the very definition of perfect.

I give you who I am — even if all I am is dust and dirt. I am stone, so remember if you drop me…I’ll break. And I don’t think I can be fixed — I can’t function being glued or taped back together. I will be missing the most vital parts of my make up. And that being — the jewel that’s in your eyes and the gold within your heart. My treasure.

 

Fight or Flight 06/09/2010

Filed under: Writings — dreamynothing @ 00:59

The adrenaline rush…
The heart pounding…
The tunnel vision…
The superhuman aptitude…

The high.

Most people refer to this as the fight or flight response. This usually brought on upon acute stressors. When you find yourself staring down a gun barrel. The two seconds when everything slows down before the world collapses right before your eyes. When you see a loved one trapped under a car. This is where you have two choices. You stay—you face whatever situation, the task at hand, head on…

…or you turn the other way and run like hell.

This manner of reaction slips its way into my mind—and my heart—when I’m faced towards Love, looking it straight into the eyes. Most of the time, I run. I don’t even look back to see what I’m running away from. To see if it’s really any kind of threat. I shelter myself from it. Hide. Until, eventually it’s too late, and I’m left being a coward wondering what would’ve happened if I would’ve stayed. If I should’ve stayed. Not many times do I find a reason to stay—and I assure myself that I did the right thing. And often I think myself of always being a runner—could I really still be a runner that believes in love?

(That doesn’t make sense. To believe in something, but to be too afraid to go after it. Too afraid to experience it. I felt love before. I know it’s out there. Somewhere in my mind and in my heart I want it again—but I run before, it even has a chance to get to that point.)

At some points I don’t want to run. I don’t want to take flight. But during those situations, I find no love in return. I find no reason to stay. I find no reason to fight.

 

Sentimental Moments 05/13/2010

Filed under: Writings — dreamynothing @ 20:05

Sentimental moments. Holding hands for the first time. Catching a glimpse of happiness and joy in another’s eye. A smile that makes me feel good about myself for once. A body lying next to mine. A kiss. A simple touch.

Every time, I fall into the belief that these moments are the moments that I need to remember for the rest of my life. Every time I think that this might be my last first kiss. The last time of being vulnerable. The last time I look into a new set of eyes.

Something always stops me.

If in every relationship comes an end and comes with pain…then what’s the point in putting my heart out on the line? What’s the point in getting close to someone, if in the end I’ll just be missing what could’ve been? What’s the point in looking for more, when in the end you have no idea what you are looking for? What’s the point in saying the words ‘I love you’, if they are nothing but lies dropping from one’s lips?

People just say what they think the other person wants to hear—no one’s honest and true to their feelings. Not even me.

People fall in and out of “love” like it’s a fad, like a pair of designer jeans. They promise lies and twist the truth; misinterpret infatuation for love. Infatuation is the work of a fairytale in the mind. Making the sentimental moments seem like bliss and the way life should be. But actual love…love, is ugly. You get to the point where they become part of you, where you get used to them being your second half. And you start to take them for granted. In times you are actually reminded of them, and how big they are in your life, you would do anything for them—no matter what the cost, no matter the pain or the blood involved. Most of the time it gets to that point and it’s too late.

I almost prefer the infatuation over love. Take the dream over reality. Take the sentimental moments, that you think mean the world at the time—rather than a life that is too comfortable until it falls apart and ruins your life. For me, now, it never gets past the infatuation…it never gets to love.

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve for the longest time. I’ve had this shirt beaten and ripped; worn down and faded from elements in life. The heart isn’t held together anymore—it’s holding on by just a few strings of thread. I want to believe in the love ever after and the whole nine yards. But past experiences and observations of the real world is doing nothing but ruining that dream and warns me of the danger that comes in believing it.

Sometimes I fall into believing again. The sentimental moments—they always get me. They patch up the sleeve on my shirt and make the heart hope again. I always end up disappointed. I can’t help but to be a dreamer though. I just need to be careful for what I dream.

 

Down the Rabbit Hole 04/15/2010

Filed under: Writings — dreamynothing @ 04:17

Down the rabbit hole—I fall faster than the force of gravity. Never hitting the ground; never seeing an end. Faster and faster, the wind keeps the hair from my face and I feel the thrill of the speed increasing as the tempo of my heartbeat starts skipping. There’s nothing to grab onto, and further down the darker it gets—the more scared I get.

How did I fall? Where does this end? Will I survive?

Memories flee from my mind and I catch glimpses of both good and bad. The winning serve. The proposal. The breakup. The suicide attempt. All encircle around my mind then leave one by one. Only problem is the bad memories stay; it’s only the good memories that leave my head. Suddenly, I’m drowning in my own pessimistic thoughts.

I’m falling and suddenly I’m wanting it to end. I no longer want this feeling of helplessness and memories of bad moments in my life. I’m ready for the crash. I’m ready to end this fall—give into gravity. I no longer care about what’s at the end. I no longer care if I will survive. I just want it all to stop.

Someone please catch me. Carry me back to the world I’m used to. Send me back to the smiles and the laughter. Take me away from all the hurt, all the pain, all the remorse. I want to fly. Not fall. No one can catch me anymore—I’m too far down. It’s too late.

Down the rabbit hole- the world I end up in may not be the world I started in.