Thoughts put into words…

by Katie Lanning (Dreamynothing)

My Depression 03/13/2010


April 27, 2012

I guess I never really filled out this page. I have major depression disorder, along with some anxiety. I am also diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder also known as Emotional Intensity disorder. Thus meaning that when I get happy I get really happy- when I get depressed I get really depressed- and when I get mad I get really mad. It’s hard to control my emotions at times when they get going. I do have a history of suicidal attempts and self mutilation. I am seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist for help.

I feel now that my depression is under control…though at times I do get impulsive thoughts and emotions. It is an ongoing process of working on all of it. Though I’m pretty sure my health contributes to my depression I don’t believe that the depression is the cause of my health problems. I had depression before any of the health problems and was perfectly healthy.

I don’t feel like going into the details of my history right now. I just felt I needed to give my readers a little bit of a background. Thank you for understanding.
August 28, 2012

So to get into some of the history of my depression, anxiety, and BPD.  A couple of years ago (I’m thinking it was 2009) I started cutting routinely and I attempted suicide with about 120-150 tablets of Lortab/Tylenol (Vicoden with Tylenol) along with 30 pills of ativan.   I had spent 24 hours before I told someone about the overdose and was taken into the hospital.  Doctors believed I was lucky to still be alive.  After then I had 3 other smaller attempts of suicide (OTC sleeping pulls) and cutting…all to distract me from my pain.  It was right after the doctors had increased my Lexepro by doubling it.  Ever since then I have had suicidal thoughts and tendencies.  In my mind I believed that everyone would be better without me, without all the medical bills, all the sacrifice people were giving for my health. When I was admitted into the psychiatric unit, they changed a lot of my medications around; most of them did not work.  Doctors told me I had Medicine-Resistant Major Depression.  Until I found Prozac!

I’m all better now, still going to therapy regularly along with seeing my psychologist monthly.  I still get thoughts now and then, but I do know now that they are only thoughts and they don’t mean I have to act upon them.  I am planning on talking to my doctor about changing my psychiatric medications again…since I believe I am at the highest dose of Prozac and still am having problems.  That and I’m having problems with sleeping…I can’t get to sleep nor stay asleep!

So there’s a little bit of my history.

Things have been getting harder lately, so I’m working with my psychiatrist closely these past few months. Depression has been getting worse, anxiety worse, I’m now having full blown panic attacks and continuously doubt myself.

I have had Lamictal added along with my Prozac to help stabilize my mood and impulsive tendencies. I am now also on Ambien every other night to help with the sleep…but sometimes the sleeping still is not good…I’m going to see of I can get back onto the ambien cr…so I could sleep longer.
The psychiatrist also has put me on klonopin to take every day until my depression and anxiety get better controlled. Then hopefully I will only have to take it as needed instead.

I hope everything stats working and kicks in soon … I’m so exhausted.


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