Thoughts put into words…

by Katie Lanning (Dreamynothing)

Terrified 12/26/2012

Filed under: Writings — dreamynothing @ 20:46

I’m afraid, always scared, always terrified.

I’m scared when you are home.  I’m scared when you are gone.  I’m even scared when you are holding me in your arms, or laying with your body close to mine.  Even your tender kiss upon my lips scares me. Every little gesture that makes me love you more and more, the warmth of your body, the kindness in your eyes, your understanding and patience with me.

It terrifies me.

I can’t focus on and enjoy the fact that you are here with me now, not while continually thinking,,,,knowing that I am not good enough for you anymore.  Each rejection, each little criticism, each time I mess up…just gives me more proof to believe that my fears are no longer irrational.

I am scared.  I am terrified. To ever see this story end.  I am scared of what will happen to me; of what will happen to my heart.  I am still holding onto hope tho of course that this story will prevail, And that I am once again wrong.

But I am scared to be close to you; and I’m scared to love you, because I’m terrified to lose you. Because losing you, terrifies me so much, because I just may loose myself in the process.

And when that happens I will think back and believe : who was I kidding, thinking I was good enough for you.  I’m nothing. I’m broken.  You deserve someone brand new, in mint condition.  No flaws, no demonic history hidden behind the heart, body, or mind.

I am always scared.  I am always terrified. Of love and lost…the heartless casualties left behind.  I truly don’t believe the feelings of being afraid will ever drift away, or diminish.  Though I wish they would…because then I could really go out and enjoy life, not afraid, not terrified.

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