Thoughts put into words…

by Katie Lanning (Dreamynothing)

Rough Draft 10/18/2013

Filed under: Writings — dreamynothing @ 08:18

Underneath this pretty face is a story being written. Some days I am hoping that I am only living a rough draft, because the story thus far has not followed my outline. This is not really who I am, and yet it is my very essence spilled out onto chapters and pages. Almost like a faint impression of myself bleeding through the ink; I’ve just somehow gotten caught between the lines.  Underneath all the grammar and punctuation mistakes, I am there.

I know in life there really is no rough draft, only one chance, one try to get things right.  You can’t use an eraser or the backspace button…you can only cross out the mistakes, yet they are still visible, and able to be read.  Our history is always there.  Our past will always haunt us.  My past will always be a story that will need explaining.  But we learn from our mistakes right?  Unless you’re me…I seem to have been able to figure out how to copy and paste and repeat things in my life over and over.  I need to come up with some new material; shake it up a bit.

Maybe I’m just in the part of the book that is never interesting, the part that just drags on and on, yet is still important because the writer is building up the the climax.  Maybe my book will be filled with adventure, romance, and drama.  Maybe I’m really not the main character in this life but a huge supporting character in someone else’s; or maybe I’m just the character that no body remembers.  I just know my life, my story, has to have more meaning than what I have already written out on paper.  I just don’t know how to get started…again.  (writer’s block)  I feel I can do so much more, be so much more, yet, I’m not.

Not yet,

but again…this story is still being written.

I just need to pick up the pen again.

 

Panic Attacks 01/08/2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — dreamynothing @ 09:15

I can’t breath…even when there is an unlimited supply of air surrounding me.  All the stress sickens my stomach making me throw up my thoughts and feelings that I have tried to keep swallowed down. 

The hands shake.  The fingers go numb.  The head pounds. The chest aches.

It hurts to breath, and the times that I can actually get air into my lungs I’m hyperventilating; breathing too fast to clasp at any oxygen.  And the world around me slowly fades to black, and the world around me becomes quiet and I only hear the thoughts torturing in my mind.

I am fighting myself.  My sane and logical mind vs. my impulsive demonic mind.  Who wins when you fight yourself?  Which mind wins dies when the other dies?  Who walks away…The good or the bad.  Something now and forever will be missing from me.

I can’t breath…

The hands shake.  The fingers go numb.  The head pounds. The chest aches. And my world fades into the darkness in my mind.  Leaving me alone in my thoughts…and the cycle all starts over again and again.

 

For You / History 01/06/2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — dreamynothing @ 05:45

I don’t know how, it all went wrong. 

That’s a lie.  I know very well how it all went wrong.  However, I don’t fully understand.   I don’t understand how we, allowed it to go wrong.  I thought love was stronger than everything else in the universe.  Or is that just me daydreaming again? 

I let my guard down, for you.  So many walls I had built up around me before and one by one they fell; Everytime we layed in bed talking about nothing and losing track of time. Everytime you made me laugh or smile and took the pain away.   Everytime we kissed, or hugged, or made love.

I fell in love, for you. And because I loved you, I allowed you to see all the pain in my life only allowed to be fully seen by one man.  One man, who could never understand.  One man I fell in love with and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. One man who I wanted to grow old with.  One man who I wanted to die with.

And for you, I am now in more pain then I have ever expierenced before…sometimes it hurts more than others.  Sometimes I forget to hurt.  Sometimes that’s all I do is hurt, and I cry, cry more than I’ve ever cried before.

All for you.

And I don’t know why. 

That’s a lie.  I do know why.  However, I don’t fully understand.  I don’t understand how we went from “I Love You” to nothingness.  I thought you loved me.  But I was caught just daydreaming again…

…For You.

 

History repeats itself.  I break down and run. 

History repeats itself.  The tears fall. 

History repeats itself.  The heart breaks.

 

 

Terrified 12/26/2012

Filed under: Writings — dreamynothing @ 20:46

I’m afraid, always scared, always terrified.

I’m scared when you are home.  I’m scared when you are gone.  I’m even scared when you are holding me in your arms, or laying with your body close to mine.  Even your tender kiss upon my lips scares me. Every little gesture that makes me love you more and more, the warmth of your body, the kindness in your eyes, your understanding and patience with me.

It terrifies me.

I can’t focus on and enjoy the fact that you are here with me now, not while continually thinking,,,,knowing that I am not good enough for you anymore.  Each rejection, each little criticism, each time I mess up…just gives me more proof to believe that my fears are no longer irrational.

I am scared.  I am terrified. To ever see this story end.  I am scared of what will happen to me; of what will happen to my heart.  I am still holding onto hope tho of course that this story will prevail, And that I am once again wrong.

But I am scared to be close to you; and I’m scared to love you, because I’m terrified to lose you. Because losing you, terrifies me so much, because I just may loose myself in the process.

And when that happens I will think back and believe : who was I kidding, thinking I was good enough for you.  I’m nothing. I’m broken.  You deserve someone brand new, in mint condition.  No flaws, no demonic history hidden behind the heart, body, or mind.

I am always scared.  I am always terrified. Of love and lost…the heartless casualties left behind.  I truly don’t believe the feelings of being afraid will ever drift away, or diminish.  Though I wish they would…because then I could really go out and enjoy life, not afraid, not terrified.

 

Are You Afraid? (of Death) 12/21/2012

Filed under: Writings — dreamynothing @ 02:59

With all the talk about the end of the world coming tomorrow, it makes one think.

If death knocked on your door, and stood waiting at your doorstep with his hand extended…would you be ready?  would you regret anything?  would you be afraid?

Personally, I’m not afraid of death.  I’m not afraid to die, I’m not afraid to take that step forward to leave this world and most likely not even hesitated to ever look back.

Why?

Well, do you ever have that feeling of when you wake up that you just wish you were back asleep? To me death is like sleeping.  The only difference is that there are no dreams.  No second reality where you can live out another version of your life.

No nightmares.  No fantasies.

…Nothing…

Sounds peaceful to me.

I’m not afraid of death, or of dying.  But I am afraid.  I’m afraid of missing life.  I’m afraid of missing the opportunities to make mistakes and having regrets.  I’m afraid of missing the small things that happen during the day that make you smile for no particular reason.  I’m afraid of missing both the happiness and the sadness together.

But most of all…I’m afraid that I will not be missed…that I will be the only one missing out.

So I’m living.  I’m ready to make a lot of mistakes and wrong turns.  I’m ready to break into a dance in the house in my bare feet, to watch a hot air balloon float away into the unknown sky, to stand outside with my tongue out catching the first snowflakes to hit the ground this winter.  I’m ready to deal with the good days, full of laughter, happiness, and love.  I’m ready to cope through the days where just getting out of bed is the hardest obstacle to conquer; to tackle the demons deep in me and my mind; and to face the downfalls that come from day to day living.

Even tho I’m pretty sure the end of the world is not coming.  I’m ready.

Because when death does finally come knocking on my door, with his hand reaching out to me waiting on the doorstep.  I will take his hand.  I will be ready because I know I will be missed and will not be  missing out anymore because I lived.  I will regret much, but will also know I only have regrets is because I lived.  And no, I will not be afraid because I lived.

 

What’s My Story? 08/30/2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — dreamynothing @ 23:23

What’s my Story?  Who am I?

Someone strong, someone who fights everyday? Or someone weak, who cries everyday?

Do you see someone who suffers? Or someone who withstands?

Do you see what you want to see? Or do you see the truth?

How do you find the truth in so many twisted lies, so many tall tales.  Filled with dead ends and twists and turns.  More forks in the road than you can count.  So many different stories, all of them true, in some way or another.  All of them sounding fictional, bonded to make one big book full of a world of facts.  Can you keep reading and turn the page?  Or are you no longer interested in my story?

If you stick it out to the end I don’t know if it will be tragic or a happy ending.  It may turn a quick corner in less than one page.  Or the subject of hand may drag on and on for chapters at a time.  They say don’t judge a book by it’s cover, but some books never get taken off the shelves.

Will you figure me out? Or will you misunderstand?

 

The Invisible Girl 08/29/2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — dreamynothing @ 08:08

Can you see her?  She’s standing right in front of you; Screaming.  Crying out for your attention.  Do you not sense her presence?  Why is she just an invisible girl to you? Why does everybody walk by her, not noticing, not caring.  People don’t even look her in the eye, or even stop just to say “Hi”.

She cries in silence, hurting inside, hurting outside.  No one listens, no one cares.  She’s just thin air.  Sometimes her screams are heard as whispers in your ear.  Or you can catch a glimpse of her presence at times in the corner of your eye.  But for most of the time she’s the invisible girl.

Why does she cry?  She cries because she’s in pain:  Emotionally, Mentally, and Physically.  She’s bleeding from the inside out, leaving a trail in which no one can see.  Yet sometimes you can feel the wetness upon the grass from her tears.  At times she hides in the corner, and tries to wish away her pain.  It never works, it never helps; but she never gives up hope; that someday she will be seen and will be heard.

Look closely, find her before it’s too late.  Do you see her?  She’s right here.  In front of you.

Here I am.

The invisible girl is in me.